Book of Leaves

Mostly writing

2013-05-21T08:31:13Z

Today and yesterday I've mostly been working on fic, as it's about all my brain can handle right now. Irish class was yesterday and that went okay. I picked out the poems I'm reading on June 2nd in NYC and revised that list after an email exchange with Sheela. Talked with Dom about arrival and departure times and confirmed a few things about my stay there. Beyond that, I'm not really up to much. I've been working on online Italian lessons and doing okay. Hopefully some of it sticks. The dizziness continues unabated.

Information on the Bi Book Awards

2013-05-18T20:35:28Z

Sunday June 2nd NYC
Bisexual Book Awards & Bi Lines VI: A Multi-Arts Celebration of Bisexual Writing

We hope you can join us for our inaugural Bisexual Book Awards and the most amazing bi arts event of the year! Readings! Music! Art! Awards! After Party!

Location:
Nuyorican Poets Cafe
Address: 236 East 3rd Street between Avenue B and Avenue C, NYC 10009.
Website http://www.nuyorican.org/

Tickets: $10 Advance tickets available on Nuyorican Poets Cafe website or at the door.

Schedule:
6:30 Book signings
7pm Bi Lines Program, Bisexual Book Awards Ceremony, Book Signings
10pm After party

Host: Sheela Lambert, Founder, Bi Writers Association

Author Readings:
Annette Lapointe/ Whitetail Shooting Gallery
Basil Papademos/ Mount Royal
Donnelle McGee/ Shine
Ellen Kushner/ Beyond Binary: Genderqueer and Sexually Fluid Speculative Fiction
Erynn Rowan Laurie/ Fireflies at Absolute Zero
James Earl Hardy (B Boy Blues Series)/ Can You Feel What I'm Saying?
Janet Hardy (The Ethical Slut)/ Girlfag
Kelli Dunham/ My Awesome Place: The Autobiography of Cheryl B.
Vincent Meiss/ Tio Jorge

Art: Efrain Gonzalez/ Ink & Steel: tattoo photography book slideshow presentation

Music: Rorie Kelly, Ben Silver

Organized by the Bi Writers Association
info at biwriters dot org
www.biwriters.org

Back from the doctor

2013-05-18T02:32:01Z

It was a short-ish visit. We are no closer to a solution or an actual diagnosis. They are sending me to neurology as soon as they can get a consult through, but it is looking like this is either migraines or menopause related. In both cases, this is not likely to be a short-term thing. If, by some miracle, it is migraine related and they are able to find something that works to prevent them (unlikely, in my opinion), then it might be solvable within the next couple of years. If not, there is no way to tell. It might take a couple of years, or it might take a decade, or it might never go away.

I'm not going to think too much about it right now until I have been to neurology, but I'm going to have to start coping with the idea that this might actually be long term or permanent.

Delayed by website malfunctions

2013-05-17T04:41:35Z

Yesterday I tried to get online to update folks, but LJ was having trouble and I couldn't get in to read or to post. Thankfully, it appears to be fixed at the moment.

Yesterday was a dental visit to the VA. The minor pain I'd been having in one tooth turned out to be the grand canyon under one of my fillings. They had to remove the filling (which I expected) and the intern said they might need to do a root canal. Thankfully, that wasn't the case, but they did have to rebuild a huge chunk of the tooth. It's possible this filling may need to be replaced by a crown if there are any problems with it, but we shall see. I have a late June appointment for a cleaning and we can check things out again then.

Overall, still tired, still dizzy. I have an appointment at Otolaryngology tomorrow, and gra_is_stor will drive me there. I finished up a story and posted it, and it has been getting some nice comments, so I feel pretty good about that, at least.

One of the things that I've noticed is that some kinds of music (like the Hildegard concert) make the dizziness worse. It's by no means the only thing, nor the only kind of music, but it was very very noticeable while I was there in the cathedral. I get this effect at my desk while listening to the ipod sometimes, as well.

A little while ago I was trying to get into a jar of sauerkraut from a local company and it was the most impossible thing I think I've yet run into. The lid to the jar was plastic and I eventually ended up having to literally break the lid off the jar in order to get to the stuff inside. I went to the company's website and left a comment about it. I swear, my hands are going to be a mess for hours after this. It's hard enough getting into jars already - I don't need to have to use a fucking pickaxe to get into things. Anyway, the kraut is nice, but I can't go through that again. Just, no.

Yesterday, memberships for the Sherlock Seattle con went on sale, so I got mine.

Working on my life

2013-05-14T06:33:14Z

Tickets to NYC were bought yesterday. I'll be flying in late on the 30th of May and leaving early on the 4th of June. I have a place to stay when I get there, and someone to go to the event with. I need to talk to a few of the other folks I know there and see about going to places I want to see. There's a bar there with a TARDIS, and I want to see the Cloisters and the NYPL while I am there. I figure that will probably be about all I can stuff into the few days I will be in the city and still preserve my energy and sanity.

Saturday gra_is_stor and I went down to Seattle for the Sherlock Seattle picnic. We had a great time; she hadn't been expecting much but got into some of the conversations folks were having. She figured it was going to be all fandom all the time, but this crowd isn't really like that. Yes, we love our fandom, but we also talk about all kinds of other things. After the picnic, we went to Mirch Masala for some pre-concert dinner, and talked with one of the gals from the picnic.

At the Medieval Women's Choir concert, we saw Brandy and Ted, and also Denny and Rebecca. The concert was glorious, all Hildegard music, with their soloist Marian Siebert, who is just incredible. After the concert a bunch of us went to Charlie's. I saw a text from thewronghands about tea and mochi. I was invited to come up with gra_is_stor, as things were still going, but it was late and the DoDC+3 was still in his crate, so we came back home.

Sunday I had a migraine and so I went to lie down in my room while the Irish class happened. I just didn't feel well enough to deal with it at all.

Wednesday I have a dental appointment and Friday I've got one at Otolaryngology at the VA, so that'll be one more step toward trying to figure out what's happening with me. Still dizzy, still not making any progress toward clearing that up at this point. It's exceedingly annoying. I'm getting a tiny bit of fic writing done, but that's about it.

I sent in an email about being a fic/writing panelist at the Sherlock Seattle con this fall. One of the local fans asked if I wanted to be on a panel she's doing and I said that sounded like fun, so we'll see what happens.

One of the things that I've noted is that sometimes certain qualities of sound cause the dizziness to be worse. The vocals at the concert, for example, were really triggering some dizziness for me. It sounded glorious, but it made my head spin. It was a fascinating sensation. I've noted that it also sometimes happens with certain types of music while I'm listening to my ipod at home. I don't know what that means but I'll be sure to mention it to the docs when I see them Thursday.

So I'm a poetry finalist at the first annual Bisexual Book Awards in NYC

2013-05-12T20:18:45Z

And I just bought my plane tickets. Here's the information:

The Bi Writers Association announces its inaugural Bisexual Book Awards, to be held June 2nd in New York City. The first bisexual book awards, anywhere, ever! Both BWA programs, Bi Lines VI: A Multi-Arts Celebration of Bisexual Writing and the Bisexual Book Awards, will merge so that Bi Lines becomes the multi-arts entertainment that precedes announcement of the winners and bestowal of the Awards. The double event will b e held at Nuyorican Poets Cafe, in the East Village, on June 2nd at 6 :30pm.

The inaugural awards will have seven categories: Bisexual Fiction, Bisexual Non-fiction, Bisexual Erotic Fiction/Erotica, Bisexual Speculative Fiction [Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror], Bisexual Poetry, the Bi Book Publisher Award and the Bi Writer Award. Most of the categories were dictated by the types of bi-themed books published this year and what genres they fit into. Book categories are open to bi book authors of any orientation. BWA also wanted to honor one superlative bi/bisexual/pansexual/fl uid author with the Bi Writer Award, given to the best bi author of the year of any book genre. Bi Book Publisher of the Year will go to the publisher who has published the most bi-themed books and done the most to promote them and to support their authors.

"Getting a bi-themed book published is often difficult. Bisexual books and authors dont have the same opportunities for recognition that other books do. The main LGBT book awards only has one category for bisexual books and others have none. The Bi Writers Association decided that we need to do more to promote publication of bisexual books, an d to recognize and celebrate the bi-themed books that do get published, their authors and their publishers. Throwing our own Bisexual Book Awards, where we could have more categories to recognize the achievements of bi book authors, seemed like the best way to do that. We're very excited about our very first awards season!" says Bi Writers Association founder Sheela Lambert.*

Advance tickets to the double event, Bisexual Book Awards and Bi Lines VI, hosted by the Bi Writers Association, are available on the Nuyorican Poets Cafe website.

Event Location: Nuyorican Poets cafe is located at 236 East 3rd Street between Avenue B and Avenue C. AKA Reverend Pedro Pietri Way. Zip code 10009.

***

So the BiLines even starts at 6:30pm and I'll be reading there with a bunch of other poets. Tickets, according to the Nuyorican Poets Cafe website, are $10 and can be got at http://www.nuyorican.org/calendar.php

A day full of wtfery

2013-05-10T09:48:21Z

So today I woke up to an email from Google telling me that the account associated with my seanet email address had its password changed. That account was never used for anything other than admin on my Searching for Imbas blog; I'd forgotten the password some time ago and had never done anything with it, so the blog is actually administered from my gmail account. I attempted to go and get control of the seanet Google account back but could not because I couldn't remember when the account was created or when the last time I'd logged into it was. I went and removed it from the Blogger account, though.

Later today I got an email from Google Play saying that somebody in Tacoma had ordered something from them. The Visa used was not an account number I am familiar with. After a couple of hours of searching various Google websites and help pages, I called to try to have the order cancelled. The help desk person said they'd do that if they could.

Several hours later, I got another email saying the thing had shipped. I called again and tried once again to explain things to people. I got shuffled over to Google Wallet, which is a service I have never used. After a lengthy struggle, I managed to convey that I had not ordered the item, that the address it was being shipped to was not mine, the credit card was either not mine or had expired years ago, and that I wanted any and all Google accounts associated with my seanet address deleted. I think that might have finally been accomplished. I was very clear with them that I had nothing to do with this order and, if they get defrauded because of it, I am in no way responsible for any costs associated with the mess.

My actual seanet email account and website appear to be fine, but if you get any emails from me from my seanet account that don't actually sound like they are from me? Let me know because there might have been further consequences of this incident. As far as I know, there should be no issue, but I just want people to be aware of what happened.

I've been feeling like complete crap the past couple of days anyway, and the depression is getting to me pretty badly. I talked last night to man_of_snows and today to ogam about different aspects of things I'm struggling with, which was nice. Skype text chat is pretty useful when the system actually bothers to send the messages. Sometimes they seem to just get stuck in the great bit bucket in the sky.

I'm doing my best, but it's hard right now. Not knowing what's happening or how to alleviate the problem is confusing and frightening, and the dizziness compounds the usual fibro fog to a truly awful degree. Sometimes simple conversations can get a little confusing. If I find out that the dizziness is permanent, at least that's a place I can work from. Not knowing is the hardest part of this.

And I feel like I'm complaining a lot here lately, for which I apologize. I know this isn't anything more than really inconvenient in an absolute sense. Yes, it may change my life in some extreme ways, but things could be a lot worse. That said, it's still pretty frightening. The kinds of changes I may have to contemplate are far-reaching and I wish I didn't have to think about them. Today's confusion and stress really just made things worse, but I'm doing my best to talk to people and keep on top of things.

Sometimes, however, a hug would be really nice.

In which Erynn was slightly mistaken

2013-05-08T21:20:12Z

I've been asking myself about the whole deadlines thing for the Lammys and re-read the emails carefully, which was good, because it turns out I'd misread a bit. The Lammys were talked about (only two bi categories this year) and a new set of bisexual writer awards was proposed in that same email without too much of a break between topics, which is what I've sent in my book for. Still pretty damned cool, and stuff like this has to start somewhere, so yeah. Possibly New York, but not for exactly what I'd thought.

NYPL. The Cloisters. A cool bar with a TARDIS in it. These things I definitely want to see. And we'll see what happens.

Progress, and not

2013-05-08T06:08:14Z

I got a text back from one of my NYC friends that I contacted and he will be happy to have me stay and to show me around the city a bit if I need to get out there for the Lammys. witchchild says that she wants to come to NYC to see me if I'm there, so that would be fantastic, too.

I got to go to the monthly Krakens steampunk social this evening with some friends, which I enjoyed. We talked about travel and politics and social responsibility and stuff like that. I talked about some of the changes in my life happening because of the constant dizziness. I'm not at the point of making an actual decision at the moment, but I am giving some serious thought to moving to Venice, where everyone walks, if I have to sell my place and move anyway. I've spent the last couple of weeks doing a lot of research into the idea and, while the paperwork would likely be a nightmare (when is bureaucracy not?) it does look doable. Toward that end, I was pointed to Duolinguo, a language-learning site that you can use to learn Italian, Spanish, German, French, Portuguese, and English. It's a pretty straightforward system and I've been playing around with it today for a while. Italian looks a lot easier than Irish, at least, in that it's a pretty regular looking romance language.

On the down side of things, I'm still feeling pretty crap and very tired. The dizziness makes it hard to focus for very long on anything, so even with relatively easy language lessons, it's something that turns my brain to much after about 15 minutes and I have to struggle beyond that. This, of course, is why I'm not working on my Brigid book for the moment. I need to get more used to dealing with this in order to focus on serious stuff. But maybe taking little bits of language work a few times a week -- between this and Irish -- I can work back up to being able to focus on my nonfiction.

One of the things that I would usually do for stress relief is meditation, which usually has a breathing component for me, but deep breathing is one of the things that makes the dizziness a little worse, so it's kind of counterproductive at the moment. I find that terribly frustrating. Actually, everything about this right now is very frustrating. Still, I'm doing my best to carry on. Sorry I'm going on so much about it lately. I'm trying to keep things in perspective.

oops

2013-05-07T08:43:45Z

So that VA appointment today? Wasn't actually an appointment.

Apparently central scheduling has been sending out appointments recently that the clinics didn't make, and this was one of those. I got to the clinic and was told the appointment had been cancelled, but nobody had told me. Well that's because nobody had cancelled it because the clinic didn't actually even know. Anyway, I did get travel funds for the trip, but it was bloody inconvenient for both me and ingvisson.

I hung out for a little bit today with gra_is_stor after I got home, then came back here. The day was gorgeous and hot, in the mid-80s, which was really really nice after all the chilly weather we'd been having. I'm not sure when it will be going back to its normal grey state.

I mailed out the copy of my poetry book to Sheela today. It should be there tomorrow or Wednesday. We exchanged some emails after I got home. She wants to know if I can be in NYC for June 2nd if I'm a finalist for the awards. I got email back from my publisher about it, and they were very excited. They're gong to contact Sheela and find out what, if anything, further needs to be done, and possibly arrange for one of them to be there if I'm actually going to be there myself. The lowest round trip airfare I found today was $322, which is doable, provided I find a place to stay in NYC with one of my friends out there. I do have a couple, and have some inquiries out. I can't afford a hotel room, but I can certainly afford to get to NYC and back. On the other hand, what would I wear to a Big Gay Awards Ceremony? (Things I either already have or can afford before I go...) Anyway, I'll figure it out if I need to get on a plane.

Poetry and poetry

2013-05-06T08:58:01Z

With thanks to Erik G, I was supplied with a PDF of the PL Henry analysis and translation of The Cauldron of Poesy, which you can find at this link in PDF form. It's well worth reading, so please have a look!

This article includes a version of the original Irish as well as Henry's translation. It's from Studia Celtica 14/15, (1979/1980), pp 114-128.

Also today, on the bi writers list, a note came through saying that for the Lambda Literary Awards this year, they had two submissions of poetry by bi authors and if they had a third they could actually have a bisexual poetry category, so I emailed Sheela Lambert and asked if mine would qualify, given it has some bi content in it. She said yes, send it along, so I sent her a PDF of the manuscript and will be overnighting a copy to her tomorrow, which means I am in the running for a Lambda Literary Award.

She'd asked where I lived, if I might be able to be in NYC on June 2nd if I won, and if my publisher was in NYC. I said that I might have to scramble to be there, but it's possible, and that while my publisher wasn't in NYC they were based out of Danvers, CT, so they could certainly be around if need be. I emailed Jason and Leslie to let them know, though I also told Sheela that Hiraeth was more an eco-poetics/eco-spirituality/eco-philosophy press and that the Lambdas were probably not even on their radar. Still, I'm sure they'll be happy to have me in the competition.

We shall see what happens. The Lambda awards have had a lot of issues over the years because they pretty much don't deal with bi or trans people very well. (Not like this is unusual in the "GLBT" community.) Bi writers usually have to compete in the gay or lesbian categories, though there have occasionally been bi categories, and trans works are almost never represented. At the same time, if we don't get out there and represent for ourselves at these things and demand entry, the g/l establishment isn't going to let us in the door. Therefore, I'm glad to be on the list, even if it's very last minute.

Getting out of the house

2013-05-05T08:49:33Z

Once again sleep did not find me until it was already light out, but at least I spent the night working on the story I'm doing. I made some pretty good progress last night and will probably do some more writing tonight, crawling into bed with my laptop.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous today, up in the 70s - it's still 54 here at the moment, which is about what it's been in the daytime of late. gra_is_stor came by and picked me up so we could go get groceries. I asked if she'd haul me to the mall so I could get some new jeans, as one of my pairs died a couple of weeks ago and the one I'm wearing now is about to give up the ghost as well.

Some of what I did ended up being standing waiting in one place for some time, which was more exhausting than I would have thought. The dizziness is still making things like that hard on me, and I was pretty fried when we got back to my place. She took her groceries home then came back over for a little bit to watch an episode of Raffles with me. Gods the innuendo in that show. I'm sure it wasn't directly intended but wow. Damned near inescapable and hilarious at the same time. Needless to say, I'm rather enjoying the whole thing.

Tomorrow (today really) is Irish class in the evening. Monday I have an audiology appointment. Saturday is the Sherlock Seattle picnic and the last of the season's Medieval Women's Choir concerts, presenting music by Hildegard of Bingen. Tuesday is the monthly steampunk social that most folks actually attend -- I don't know yet if I'll be going. It will depend on whether I can get a ride. I don't know if a place has been set for it or if it'll be at the AFK again. I'll have to check with folks and ask.

I'm still thinking a lot about what I need to do if things don't go well for me with the medical stuff. I'm spending too much time frustrated and depressed about it. That said, I'm doing my best to keep on doing what needs to be done; I'm staying as positive as I can, but contemplating any change like this is pretty overwhelming. I have plots and ideas, though. We'll see what happens.

Medieval Women's Choir stuff

2013-05-04T21:44:19Z

Music of the Spheres (concert at St James Cathedral, 804 9th Ave)

Saturday, May 11, 2013 at 8:00 PM

Free Preview:
May 7, 12 PM
Level 1 – Microsoft Auditorium
Seattle Public Library, Central Branch
1000 Fourth Ave., Seattle, WA

Homage to Saint Hildegard of Bingen: The unparalleled songs of the 12th-century German visionary are brought to life in a celebration of the recent canonization of this most remarkable woman: abbess, mystic, writer, poet, healer. Soprano Marian Seibert joins the choir and the instruments Hildegard so admired in a heavenly tribute to one of the most fascinating figures of the Middle Ages.

Pass prices: $25 door/$22 advance.

Buy Passes

KING FM announcer Sean MacLean has chosen to feature the Medieval Women’s Choir next week on Classical KING FM’s Northwest Focus program in anticipation of our upcoming Music of the Spheres concert.
ON-AIR SCHEDULE

Tuesday, May 7
Hildegard von Bingen: Alleluia - O virga, mediatrix at approximately 8:16pm

Thursday, May 9
Hildegard von Bingen: O quam mirabilis est at approximately 8:02pm

More information at www.king.org/nwfocus

Doing not much

2013-05-03T07:19:52Z

Today was errand day and gra_is_stor came by around 1 to help me get out and do things. I went to bed about 6am and was awakened at 10 by one of the groundskeepers wandering by the bedroom window, which set the dog off. I went back to sleep and got a little bit more before the alarm went off at noon. I was, needless to say, still rather slow when I finally got myself together and out the door.

A few things got dropped in a mailbox, I got my hair cut and bleached, and I grabbed some things at Albertson's that I usually get there because they're cheaper. When I got home, I re-dyed my hair. gra_is_stor hauled Garuda over for the necessary emissions check so my tabs can be renewed; she's not really able to be in a hair salon due to the fumes, so she went and did that for me while she waited.

After that I hung out online with some folks and watched the Star Trek reboot movie from a couple of years ago -- several folks I know are planning on going to the new one on opening day, and folks were getting themselves into the proper mood for it. I've been poking a bit at my fic, though I'm kind of cold and feeling crappy at the moment, so I'll be crawling into bed with the laptop to work on it some more.

Tomorrow the Snohomish Mensa TGIF is happening at Emory's just down the street, so I'll be popping by there about 6pm for an hour or two. I believe Sunday there is a Gamelan Pacifica concert.

May 6th I have an audiology appointment. I feel busy but not particularly accomplished at the moment. I usually feel like I'm doing more with my time. The dizziness is probably affecting my perception as much as anything else.

I really need to get some new jeans.

Further medical appointments and a short update

2013-05-01T07:02:12Z

I got mail yesterday from the VA scheduling me for another audiology appointment, though I'm not entirely certain what this one is for. I'd thought the one on the 17th was my follow-up, but this is for the 6th. Unfortunate dizziness continues apace as I contemplate what to do should this condition be permanent.

I got an email inviting me to a friend's birthday party in Vancouver yesterday, but didn't have enough time to arrange a bus trip up there or someone to drive me, so I had to email and send my regrets. Apparently a previous email got eaten by the aether, which I really regret. I would have loved to be there.

Yesterday I posted a fic I'd been working on for a fandom exchange, and have got some lovely comments on it. I'm currently working on another, though that will take quite a while to write. I'm expecting it to be quite long, and have it pretty thoroughly plotted out. I had wanted to write yesterday and today but have only been able to get a little focus today, late in the evening. I've done about 1200 words so far and might do a little more, so as to feel like this scene is finished, before I give up for the night.

Thursday gra_is_stor is supposed to take me for a haircut and to get Garuda in for an emissions test. She can't really be in the salon, as the chemicals will make her pretty sick, but she can take Garuda off for the test and then wait for me down at the nearby Starbucks if she's done before I am.

Mom called to let me know she's back from Atlanta. Apparently the officer who was organizing the ship's reunion was a complete dick, so they didn't stay very long. Somehow this fails to surprise me. His answer to "why doesn't the hospitality suite have chairs or anything other than really inadequate nibbles" was "this is a meet and greet, not a stay and eat." Yeah, thanks. Lots of older folks, some of whom might actually be disabled? You get chairs so people can sit and talk, you stupid fucking wanker. Titanium sporks at dawn.

Still not thrilled with my situation, but surviving. As you do.

A day at the VA

2013-04-26T08:13:11Z

So today I got strapped into a chair in a pitch-black booth with heavy goggles over my eyes. I was spun around, had lights flashed around in front of my eyes, and a variety of other things which left me very queasy as well as much more dizzy than I was when I walked in the door. Cold and warm air were squirted into my ears. Other things were done.

Current end result: my ears both respond kind of differently though both are within normal parameters. They are fine when tested by themselves but for some reason they are not working properly together, and that's what's making me dizzy. The why has not yet been figured out.

I have an appointment to talk with a doc on May 17th, which is about three weeks. I was told that if it's a benign positional vertigo thing, it should resolve spontaneously within three to six months of onset, which still includes probably an awful lot of Not Driving. This is currently inconvenient but my best-case scenario.

If it is for some reason migraine-related, things are not looking quite so positive. That would mean they have to figure out how to actually treat my migraines (and the related dizziness), and the system has shown no particular useful response to that as yet. I get very sick on pretty much everything they have given me in the past and the best I can do for them is knock the pain back some with tylenol with codeine and wait them out. My hope for an actual resolution if that is the case is vanishingly small, as I have very little faith in the VA's neurology clinic regarding migraine treatment. If they can't do anything about it, I may have to regard this as essentially permanent, though I don't want to have to consider it that way just yet.

Needless to say, I was really wiped out by the time I got done at the audiology clinic. I staggered down to the travel office with gra_is_stor to pick up my cash, then we stopped at an Indian place for a little dinner (at 5pm it was my first meal since about midnight last night, due to instructions not to eat for 4 hours prior to the appointment), and grabbed a few things for dinner with Denny & Rebecca tomorrow. I crashed pretty hard for a while and will probably be going back to bed again soonish anyway.

In really cool news, gra_is_stor got asked to record an Irish lullaby with nathan_fhtagn. I had hoped to get the two of them in the same place with an opportunity to talk about music in hopes that something like this might happen eventually, so yay for success, and go go gadget networking skills! She's off to Portland tomorrow morning for an Irish immersion course over the weekend. I'm sure I'll hear more about this project as it develops.

I'm actually really glad that, even when I feel like complete and utter crap, I manage to get a few things done with happy results.

Doctors and writey stuff

2013-04-25T08:08:38Z

I went down for my shrinkage today and talked with her about how the whole dizziness thing is getting to me. It was good to get some of that off my chest and to get a little feedback on it.

Tomorrow is a two to three hour test that is pretty much guaranteed to make me miserable, as it's designed to attempt to make you dizzy so they can figure out what might be causing the whole thing. I'm not really looking forward to this very much. I am not supposed to eat anything four hours before or to take any meds for dizziness (I don't have any at the moment) or anxiety for 48 hours prior to the test. Thankfully, I haven't needed to take any anxiety meds recently. They did say not to stop taking meds for any other conditions that I might require, so I'm not going to worry about the antidepressants and whatnot.

In the mail I got a note about the appointment with the otolaryngology clinic that I'd been called about earlier this week. The letter says it is apparently some kind of consult with a surgeon to "determine or confirm a problem that was initially diagnosed by another provider." They sent along a form for me to fill out where they pretty much want my entire medical history (and that of my family) in some blanks on two sides of a single sheet of paper. Optimists. So I don't know what went on with the audiology test but apparently something is happening. Maybe I will learn something tomorrow. It's possible that this is just a preemptive scheduling of the followup appointment for the test tomorrow. It's not until the 17th of next month.

As to the writey stuff, the animism anthology that lupagreenwolf has been putting together for several years, interrupted by her masters program, is finally together. I received the PDF galley proof today for final corrections, which I dutifully read and have sent to her. She said it will go to press as soon as all final corrections are received, which means in a couple of months I will have a shiny new book to add to my bibliography.

Yet more things to worry about

2013-04-23T08:24:12Z

More of the same in my daily life. Dizziness and feeling under the weather. I wanted to write some fic today and couldn't quite focus enough for even that, which was annoying.

What really bothers me, though, is that a week or so ago the DoDC+3 had some kind of seizure. It mostly affected his front legs, and lasted for a couple of minutes. He seemed fine afterwards. It happened after office hours for any of the local vets, which meant that a visit to the vet would be after-hours and hugely expensive. There's also that "not able to drive" thing that is giving me trouble. He had another one today, not as bad as the previous one -- mostly only affecting one front leg, and lasting about the same amount of time. Again, it was after office hours (about 6:30pm) and he is his usual fine, bouncy self again.

I should take him to the vet when I can get a ride over there with him. I have no idea how much tests and whatnot are going to cost. He's a little more than 8 years old at the moment, which shouldn't be too old for a small dog like him. I wish I knew what to do for him though, as I said, he seems fine afterwards. Have any of you had a critter with a similar problem? If so, I'd love to hear any thoughts or advice. Also, any healing thoughts for the pupulator would be greatly appreciated.

Doing stuff despite the crap

2013-04-22T11:08:10Z

Despite the fact that I'm continuing on with the dizziness and that it's remaining quite uncomfortable, I've been able to maintain at least a little bit of my social life. I got a ride out to one of the local steampunk social things, that being a small gathering for one of our folks who has been deployed for the last several months and was back for a few days before he's off again until December. Sadly, gra_is_stor wasn't able to go along, as she wasn't feeling well, but a ride was arranged nonetheless. Yesterday one of the local Mensa folks gave me a ride to the monthly gathering, which has moved up to Shoreline - there was a presentation on resources for figuring out the veracity of information on the internet. I knew about some of the available resources, but did learn a few things, so that was pretty good.

The Everett Irish lessons are happening on Sundays, and the venue has flaked out on us so they have been permanently moved to my place until further notice. Next week there won't be a class, as our two teachers (gra_is_stor and ingvisson) are going down to Portland for an immersion weekend.

Talked to my mom briefly today because she emailed about going to Atlanta and worrying about crossing the river before it floods. I was worried that it was a severe weather thing, but it's just that her husband is going to a ship's reunion that's happening there this coming week. No emergencies, yay! They should be leaving first thing in the morning. I'm guessing they're actually probably already on the road, given the time difference.

The dizziness is getting increasingly frustrating and depressing, but I am doing my best to just carry on. Thanks to everyone who has expressed support privately, or in other places on the web. You are greatly appreciated.

In other news, the Esoteric Book Conference is now selling memberships. The date is September 14-15 and I've ordered my membership. Sherlock Seattle has its dates (October 4-6 at the Broadway Performance Hall again) and will be selling memberships beginning early in May. These, at least, are some cool things to look forward to.

Crap days

2013-04-19T07:52:13Z

Yesterday was a pretty crap day. I was really dizzy all day long and pretty down about the whole thing. I managed to beta a fic for a friend, but that was about all I could handle. I was doing slightly better today and managed to finish up the fic I was working on for an April fandom exchange, so that was pretty good at least.

I sent off email to Ian Corrigan with a backup CC to another ADF druid I know (in case Ian for some reason isn't getting my emails), letting them know that I've cancelled for Wellspring. I had kind of wanted to wait until I heard back from Ian about this before I made any public announcement, but it's been a few days since I sent my initial note and I've heard nothing. It's just time that I admitted trying to get out to Wellspring this year is an unrealistic hope. Nothing is really going to fix it before I'd have to go and I shouldn't push myself on this.

Thankfully, next Wednesday I have a visit with my shrink and can talk with her about this. That usually helps some.

I still feel like crap, generally speaking, but am trying to refrain from sinking into a morass of negativity beyond just cancelling the trip. That I can't focus enough to write nonfiction is problematic, but less important for the moment.

For those folks who were hoping to see me either at Wellspring or on my trip out and back this year, I'm sorry. I wish things were different but I have to be realistic about my situation. With any luck, maybe I can do this next year. I'm still holding out some hope for Eight Winds, later in the summer. Perhaps things will be more stable for my by then.

Starting to worry about that whole travel thing

2013-04-17T03:25:45Z

Yesterday I was over at the VA for an initial hearing test. The tech tells me that she didn't see anything wrong with the inner ear, and that my hearing in general appears to be just fine. She was going to pass the results and the questionnaire I filled out over to their weekly Monday panel to evaluate cases of dizziness and that I'll get a call next week. She also scheduled a more complicated 3 hour test for me on the 25th to see if they can figure out what is causing the dizziness.

At this point, I'm starting to think I'm not going to be able to go back east. I remember how out of it I felt doing the panels at Norwescon, and that was just me sitting around talking about fanfic. I didn't have to prepare anything, and I wasn't the sole person carrying the show along.

To be honest, I have enough trouble doing solo presentations on good days. I love doing it, but they are stressful and I deal with the whole anxiety/stage fright thing beforehand, as well as often feeling like I'm floundering even when I'm doing well. I'm sitting here trying to imagine what it would feel like to try and do three solo presentations feeling like I do right now, sitting at my desk - only exhausted from travel and living in a tent. I don't think I'll be able to.

If this were to miraculously get resolved next week, I might be able to regain enough ground to do the presentations, but I still have not done much prep work toward putting them together. I could do a basic presentation on ogam, but they want two different things on ogam and one on the history of CR, and I just don't think I'm up to it right now.

I hate that thought. I hate the fact that my body is once again screwing me over and there's currently nothing I can do about it. I went out this weekend and had a lovely time at the Abney Park/Steam Powered Giraffe show, but I was still feeling rather out of it the whole time. Nothing I do seems to help.

The audiology tech also wanted to give me a bunch of information about migraines, suggesting that maybe my migraines had changed in character from pain migraines to vertigo migraines (apparently such things exist), but I could not imagine that after nearly 40 years, they were suddenly going to go from a couple of times a month mostly triggered by hormones to over a month of constant dizziness. That makes no sense at all. A good 90% of the information on the paperwork she handed me was stuff I already knew and had no bearing whatsoever on dizziness or vertigo. I left the papers with her. I figured at least they could give them to someone who would get some use out of them, rather than me taking them home and just recycling them. I think she may have been a little frustrated with me over that, but I can't help it that I've had to deal with this stuff most of my life and I know more about what my body is doing than she does.

So I am frustrated and depressed and have yet more medical appointments to deal with, all while still not able to drive and contemplating having to cancel something I was really looking forward to doing a month from now. I still can't concentrate enough to work on writing nonfiction. I can't even work on my research because I can't focus that much at the moment.

I don't want to miss out on seeing everyone. I don't want to not be able to visit my mom. I feel like making a decision not to go is giving up, failing.

Still here, don't worry

2013-04-13T07:43:40Z

I've got my audiology appointment on Monday. One ear has been kind of achy but not in a sharp stabby way, just an undertone of ache.

Overall I've been feeling a little better, but still quite dizzy. I'm having more time when I'm not dizzy, which is pleasant at least. I still don't really have enough focus to write seriously right now, but I did get some work done on my fic.

Tomorrow is the Abney Park/Steam Powered Giraffe show, which I'll be attending with gra_is_stor and several of our friends.

I had kind of a scary moment today when the DoDC+3 threw up some of his food and a few minutes later had some kind of seizure in his front legs. It lasted a minute or two but he seems to be okay now. Given all the other stuff going on with me right now, I'm not sure I can cope with this on top of it all.

I'm generally feeling creaky and cranky and tired. I ordered 5 copies each of Ogam and Circle of Stones for the trip east yesterday.

And now I'm going to take the dog out and then go to bed.

Apologies

2013-04-08T10:37:22Z

I've not been keeping up with this as I usually do, mostly due to health issues and busy-ness. I feel like I've been running in circles with the health stuff, but I have felt slightly less dizzy most of the last two days. I was feeling cautiously confident enough today to drive over to Alderwood (entirely on surface streets) to get a new laptop, which I had been contemplating for several months. The iPad is useful for a lot of things, but not for actual serious writing when I am away from home. I love the desktop and it's big screen, but I obviously can't haul it around with me, so the answer was to get new laptop. I got a MacBook Air and have transferred a fair amount of the stuff from the desktop onto it, but am going to have to install Word the long way round by attaching the laptop to the desktop and using the desktop's cd/dvd drive. This can be done it just takes a little bit of workaround through a sharing utility. It's not something I've done before but the instructions are reasonably clear.

I did okay with the drive. I was also going to go into REI and get a liner for my sleeping bag, but they are currently having their 20% off sale and the place was packed to the gills. The line for checkout was at least 20 people long both times I poked my head in to look, on my way to the Apple store and after I'd had some sushi. I'll just order one online, as I don't have to have it until I'll be heading east. I figure that I am going to have to soak myself in bug repellent through the midwest if I'm camping and I'd rather not get it all over the inside of my sleeping bag if I don't have to. Liners can be taken out and washed very easily, where down sleeping bags are somewhat less amenable to this process.

I can't say as I quite want to brave I5 right now, as I am still experiencing dizziness, and I don't know if it will intensify unexpectedly. (This is why it is "unexpected.")

I've been having ear stuffiness and a low-grade ache in my left ear, along with some tinny qualities under speech or music that has happened a couple of times for a few minutes. It's been disconcerting.

Yesterday gra_is_stor and I went to see Benjamin Bagby perform Beowulf, and we had a lovely time. We saw mimerki and joyful_storm and their partners, and I think I recognized but didn't talk to one of the gals from the Sherlock Seattle group. I got a copy of the Beowulf dvd after the performance. I was really glad I went, even though I was feeling pretty crappy Saturday. I'd paid a lot for our tickets and had been wanting to see this for years, so it was worth the effort to get down there.

The venue for Irish class has flaked out on us and so the class this evening was held here at my place at the last minute. We may need to continue doing this for a while. Since both gra_is_stor and ingvisson either do or will have keys while I am back east, they can continue to use my place if need be when I'm gone.

Mom called and left a message this morning while I was still asleep, though we probably wouldn't have talked long if I had been up to answer. She's been dealing with bronchitis and laryngitis again, though she sounded better in the message than she did when I talked to her last week or so. She was just wondering if I was doing okay, which I mostly am.

Saturday I also got my reading glasses, which work just fine. I'm pleased with both pairs and am glad that I got them, even if vision wasn't necessarily part of what has been causing the dizziness. We'll see what happens when I get into the VA on the 15th for the hearing tests.

I'm still not feeling focused enough to do nonfiction writing, so I have been working a little more on the fic I was writing earlier this week. It's progressing nicely. I was just about on top of it enough to participate okay in Irish class, though not quite where I'd actually like to be in terms of brain-fog. At least I'm able to do something; it's been really frustrating to feel too out of it and too dizzy to focus on anything at all. I can't even tell you how much I hate feeling like I can't do anything.

Come what may, I will get out to the east coast. Even if I have to drive more slowly than I usually would, I am going to get there.

Making appointments

2013-04-05T09:56:55Z

I called yesterday to the VA and made an appointment with audiology. They say the testing will take about two hours because it is dealing with dizziness and not hearing loss, which is a different set of tests. I think my usual doc believes I may have symptoms of Menieres Disease which is a problem with the inner ear. I have some but not all of the symptoms of this, so I am hoping if this is what it happens to be, it won't be severe enough to cause hearing loss. This said, a guess without testing is certainly not a diagnosis. Mom suggests that all those years of awful ear infections as a child might be contributory and she may well be right. I remember it being pretty agonizing and that it happened frequently.

My appointment is for the 15th, so it's not horribly long to wait. They do understand that I'm hoping to do a cross-country road trip in May and June so, with any luck, they can get this together without too much delay.

The dizziness continues but has eased up somewhat. Today and yesterday I wasn't dizzy all day, though I have had episodes. It's still not predictable enough for me to say I can drive, sadly. I'm considering dealing with at least some of my grocery shopping this month online, as several places do deliver, and I won't have to worry about carrying bulky items when my balance is precarious.

While I haven't been able to focus well enough for nonfiction, I've been trying to keep myself occupied with some fic writing, which at least keeps me from fretting too much. I wish I was more together.

Yet more medical stuff

2013-04-03T08:08:22Z

Today I went down to the VA for a followup on medical things and I'm posting behind a cut for potential medical TMI.

One of the things I went in for today was the annual pap smear. I had not realized that the reason I have been getting them annually was because of the problems I'd been having some years ago that resulted in having to deal with a LEEP procedure, where they do an electro-cauterization of part of your cervix to prevent you from developing cancer. Apparently, if you have abnormal paps of that sort, they want you to do annuals for 20 years. In a few more years I will have had clear results for that length of time and can go to once every five years instead, which will be a relief for me. I really hate them and they are horribly painful for me.

The doc didn't think that the iron deficiency was the entire reason for the dizziness I've been having, so she's having me schedule a hearing test and then sending me to ENT. She is sending them an inquiry to see if they want me to have an MRI. She is quite certain that it's not a stroke or a brain tumor or anything because I'm not showing any symptoms, but says that the tinnitus I've had off and on most of my life may be related to the dizziness.

Needless to say, I'm still dizzy and that's quite bothersome. If this doesn't clear up, I'm going to have to fly out to Wellspring and not do the road trip at all, but I do still have some hope of things resolving before that decision has to be made.

Yesterday one of my new pairs of glasses arrived - the regular distance vision ones. My prescription had changed slightly, with one eye getting a little better and the other slightly worse, so while there's not a lot of difference, I can certainly tell that my vision is better with these glasses. I should be getting the reading/computer glasses within the next few days.

Needless to say, dealing with this medical stuff has interfered with any serious, focused writing I have wanted to be doing. I can get it together enough for short fic, but nonfiction requires a lot more bandwidth and I'm just not in a good space for it right now, so the Brigid book is stalled for the moment. This does not make me happy at all. It's left me in a space where I'm having to learn to cope with something new that drains me even more than the usual fibro and fatigue, which means cooking anything beyond what I can jam in the oven or the microwave without much prep is a bit beyond me most of the time right now. I'm trying, but it's frustrating.

It's not so much that I'm tired, though I am, it's that sitting upright can be a challenge even if I'm not. I don't want to be lying down. I don't want to be doing nothing. And I don't want to be doing the bare minimum of intellectual work while feeling uncertain that I'm making any sense. I was worried at some of the panels at the con this past weekend that I was rambling, though I'm told I seemed entirely on topic and clear when I spoke. Even just not being certain my own perceptions of what I'm saying are clear is a little disconcerting. It's more so than I usually experience when I'm doing a talk or teaching. A lot of that is simply lack of confidence. This is sitting there with my head not quite feeling right and not being sure whether the words I'm saying are connecting right.

Anyway, I'm trying not to worry too much.